Let’s suppose you need to get to know someone. Perhaps a work colleague, a new neighbour, a friend of a friend, an important acquaintance. Then the question becomes: how do I do that? How do I discover what’s beneath the surface?

But, what’s wrong with the surface? Why do we want to know what’s below the surface, deep inside the person? Because the surface may be the problem.

As the word “surface” suggests, we may only be seeing what that person is prepared to communicate to others. People have countless reasons to prevent others really knowing them deep down. “This is the ME I’m prepared to show other people.” But why would we want to hide? Obviously we’ve something to hide.

We are all a mixture: of good and not so good. We prefer to show others the good side, and keep the rest hidden. “None of their business,” we might think, “let’s work on a need to know basis.”

Actions speak louder than words

In Andrew Carnegie’s quote, he focusses on just two ways of discovering a bit more about a person: what they SAY, and what they DO. He’s not talking about having an interview with them, but rather how can we know them better, simply by observing some of their behaviour.

His suggestion:  we’ll get a much more accurate picture of a person, by seeing what they DO. He believes that’s better than what they SAY.

Perhaps he believes that people can hide the truth about themselves much more easily in their speech. Telling lies, making exaggerations, revealing half truths; the list of possible ways to deceive others out of the mouth is endless.

When words hide the real truth

Very often, if not always, people will tell you a version of themselves that’s not true, and they are not even aware of it. Full self-knowledge is a rare commodity. Self-deception is as common as dirt. So many people live in a fantasy world, imagining they have all kinds of positive qualities.

Their friends, who know them better, just smile. Often they don’t have the heart to tell them about their faults and failings. “Why upset them? It’s harmless enough, and it makes them feel good.”

When automatic pilot is a revelation

Now let’s turn to the action part of the quote. Carnegie says we get a much better understanding of someone by their actions. Is this true? It certainly could be, if people are doing things on automatic pilot, unaware that others, observing them, are able to judge something about their character.

Or maybe it’s not even because they’re being watched. Perhaps people get to know what they’ve done because other people have told them. Yet again, people may act in certain ways, completely unaware what that behaviour is saying to other people.

Carnegie also adds a very interesting personal element: his own age. He finds that the older he gets, the more he’s focusses on other people’s behaviour, rather than their words. As they say, wisdom comes with age.

Maybe he’d been fooled, so many times over the years, by what people said. Bit by bit he probably discovered that their actions really do speak louder than words.

We all need to talk with other people

All of this can be extremely important. We all need good communication skills. We live in a world of relationships. If we can’t communicate with others, then bad things can happen. History demonstrates this over and over again.

We can make an excellent start in building a relationship, using the knowledge we already have from that person’s actions and words. We can learn so much, simply by observing others with an open mind.

Good communication, good relationships, good rapport: these are essential elements of a happy and fulfilled life.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

Many men have been challenged, by their wife, for failing to do something that she sees as important. This could be the wife’s complaint:

“Excuses, excuses! All I hear from you is excuses!“

How many times have we all heard that one? Maybe we’ve even  been the person told off!

It’s so true isn’t it? Life is full of excuses; and what’s the inevitable result? Countless things get left undone, that should have been done. It’s a huge temptation for every one of us. We often hear words such as these:

“It wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t help it.”

“Why not?”

That’s when the excuses begin:

“Well, this happened; that stopped me; I didn’t have such and such.”

On and on flow the excuses, one after another. Why are we so weak in this way?

Not rocket science, is it? Why do we make excuses? Because we all detest being wrong. We all hate to admit we’ve failed. We never want to suffer the shame of blame. We refuse to accept responsibility.

So, whose fault is it then, that it didn’t get done? Who, or what, do we blame?

The quote from Thomas Carlyle hits the nail on the head: circumstances are to blame!

Have we any control over circumstances?

So, is Carlyle right or wrong? Are we at the mercy of circumstances? Or is it rather that we ourselves create the circumstances, and therefore must accept responsibility for what we do?

Like most things in life, it’s not a simple yes or no. It’s a bit of both.

Yes, of course, we are creatures of circumstances, to a certain extent. There are countless things, all around us in life, that are beyond our control. Therefore they stop us from doing all kinds of things, we might want to do.

Take the neighbourhood, for example, or the country where you’re brought up. That circumstance, that environment, can have a massive influence on who, and what, you become.

But that’s not the end of the story, is it? Why not? Because, as we know very well, we all have free-will.

Personal Freedom versus circumstances

We have the power of personal choice. We can decide how we live our life, what we think, what we do, what we love, what we hate. Circumstances do challenge our choices, but they never destroy our personal freedom.

There are so many living examples of people, who learn to overcome the circumstances of their birth and upbringing. They start to take better control of their life. They choose a better way; so can we.

Let Robbin Island inspire you

Many difficult circumstances really can be overcome; they don’t have to dictate our life. Think of Nelson Mandela, 28 years in prison on Robbin Island. His case is famous, because he freely chose not to let that terrible circumstance destroy him. In his body, mind and spirit, he rose above his difficult surroundings, and emerged a world-wide hero for so many people. So, how did he do that?

In spite of the appalling circumstances of prison life, his heart and mind were still full of love, forgiveness, and peace. Many others would have surrendered to such awful circumstances, and become angry and bitter, filled with thoughts of hatred and revenge. Life’s all down to how we choose to respond.

So, we see that circumstances are indeed a huge part of our lives. Nevertheless, how we react to them is up to us. We always have a choice. We can be positive or negative in our response.

The wisdom of Carlyle

Thus I feel that Carlyle’s quote contains a huge amount of truth. We’re all invited to make best use of our gift of personal freedom, and become the architect of our circumstances. We’re free to react, in any way we wish, to the circumstances that surround us: negatively, or positively.

We can choose negativity: we can give up, throw in the towel, and blame the circumstances of our life.

Or we can be positive: we can choose to decide for ourselves many of the circumstances, that we will allow into our life. For the most part, we can choose how we respond to what life throws at us.

We are in control. It’s our life. We have inner freedom. Let’s never forget what Mandela taught us.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Please leave a comment about one circumstance in your life that’s been a problem, and what you did to overcome it.

I’m sure you know lots of talented people. They’re great at some job or skill they have. However, you may not like them at all. Why not? Well, they may be talented, but they’re not very nice people. There are countless talented people out there who have questionable character: “clever devils”. Great talents yes, but lousy character.

Talent and character are very different human qualities. Talent is frequently something we’re born with. Character’s more about our own decisions on what kind of a person we choose to become. What talents do you have? Deep down, what’s your character? Questions well worth asking ourselves.

Even if you develop your talents enormously, that says very little about your character. Character determines whether we use the talents ethically or not. We all have far more abilities and talents than we can possibly develop to the full. Perhaps that’s where character comes into the picture.

Character and the use of talents

Our character determines what we do with those talents. Select and develop them and become one of life’s winners; or become a spoilt genius, wasting our talents. That’s why Jackson Brown Jr, in the quote above, points out that we should praise character more than talents.

Character is about who we are as a person, rather than the things we can do. Character is all about personal integrity: our beliefs, values, passions, desires, dreams, hopes. Do we develop our character, and put our talents to good use: our small contribution to the wider world?

Without developing a strong and loving character, we risk remaining a human lightweight. I suppose one of the worst things you could accuse me of is being shallow. I’d hate it. I’d find it so damning to my personality. It would mean that I’m immature, my life is just superficial stuff on the surface, often trivial nonsense, the mood of the moment. It would mean there’s no depth to me. You wouldn’t ask me any serious question about anything.

I’m sure we’d all prefer to be considered as a person who has something of value to offer. Someone who has some depth of character. That leads to the very important question: how do I develop my character, get some depth to who I am, what I believe, what I think, what I do? Jackson Brown Jr, in this profound quote, suggests four ways to do this: thought, choice, courage and determination.

Character building

Our focus is on these tools suggested to develop character: the best version of yourself. Here are a few things these words say to me.

Our thoughts are the very engine of our life. We become what we think about a lot. Our thoughts take on flesh and become real. So we should think about how to develop our character, how to be the best we can be, how we can help other people, how we can move from self-centred selfishness, and reach out to others.

Secondly, our beliefs and values are a matter of personal choice. We get to choose our character, it’s up to us to decide how we live our life. We don’t simply have to accept the beliefs and values of other people. Our free will enables us to break out of any conditioned beliefs and values that lead to a negative and selfish character.

Developing a good character is often quite a challenge in today’s world. Many people choose lesser values that serve that person’s ego; but this ego doesn’t really care too much about other people. These challenges to be our own person, to be different from some other people is not easy. It requires strength and courage.

Character building is not like some little passing hobby, that we can take up and then abandon at will. Character is profound, essential, who we are. That’s why building and developing our best character is a life-long privilege. We never want to give up, go back to a lesser version of who we are. We must have determination to keep going, and live our lives as best we can. Lives of strong and loving character.

Let’s get to work then with these four strategies: our thoughts, choices, courage and determination.

That way, we’ll make a positive difference, and many people will miss us we we pass on.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk