“Yes, well, they’re just being nice . . . but they don’t really mean it. Maybe they just want something. What are they after?” 

Fake niceness! Maybe that says a lot about our society. 

It’s possible to give a little in order to get what we want. People who deliberately manipulate others know this. They pretend friendship, kindness, giving . . . only in the hope of getting back what they want. They don’t really care about the other person. They’re using them for their own ends.

There is a better way. I believe we’re here on this planet to love, give, and contribute unselfishly. To make the world a better place: by helping others, sowing seeds of kindness, love and generosity. If your heart’s in the right place, others will be moved to grow in love as well.

As Dyer suggests: move on, change the way we look at people: they’re valued, fellow human beings. Think of the other person and their needs. The best way to change others is to change the way we treat them. As Gandhi famously said: “be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

The ideal is to be nice to someone, just because you want them to feel good. There’s no hidden agenda. You’ve moved on from total absorption in yourself. You’re not thinking about yourself. You want to give, give, give. You’re invited to live your highest and best self. It’s all about your values, your love, your personal commitment to “do the right thing.”

A loving world is a happy world. Senseless wars and violence could vanish, if only we embraced loving others, really caring about them as friends.

Dyer reminds us that it’s by changing and improving the way we treat other people, that they will automatically be changed for the better. You will have experienced this yourself. If someone does you a favour, your immediate response is, “That’s really nice of them.” You think better of them, and are far more likely to be loving to them in return.

The classical saying, “It is in giving that we receive” sums it up. Most people are not made of stone. They tend to respond in kind. Far better then to treat them well, positively, altruistically. They will be moved, perhaps even in spite of themselves, to respond in kind. 

If you change the way you look at people, they will also change. In a word: 

“We reap what we sow.”

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

How altruistic are you? What’s your experience? Leave a comment below. Thank you.

“You screwed up big time, buddy.” 

“I’m not the only one to blame. What was your contribution? You didn’t exactly help, did you?”

And so on, and so on. Wasting time, blaming each other. Far better to acknowledge responsibility, but without getting personal about it. Then each can freely admit what they did, and then everyone can get on with finding a better way.

Far more sensible to analyze the problem again, and have a brain-storm about what else could be tried.

“O.K. guys. I screwed up. We all did a bit. Let’s focus on our goal here.”

This positive approach keeps people happy, working in harmony, and unleashes their inbuilt creativity. It makes for a peaceful workplace, a happy home. Complaining, whinging, attacking only creates bad feeling, and halts real progress.

I’ve been blessed with a long life. I’ve often been guilty of strongly defending my part in the failure, insisting it wasn’t my fault. Eventually I learned the lesson. For some time now, my only response has been:

“That’s history. Let’s move on. No judgements, who’s right, who’s wrong. History can’t be changed. All we have is now. Time for peace, thinking. What can we do now?”

“Boiling the cabbage” . . . two, three, four times . . . achieves nothing, except spoiling the cabbage. Much better to serve the cabbage, carve the meat, mash the potatoes. Eat and enjoy, and get on with your life. 

Moving on really does make life much happier, much more creative, and builds loving relationships.

Revenge is horrible, arguing is painful, and complaining creates division. Looking back is anger gets us nowhere. Always try to look to the future you can create. Loving collaboration is so much better.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

Have you played the blame game? What did you learn? Leave a comment below. Thank you.

In fact, when you haven’t even experienced a higher positive level of self-behaviour, you are unaware that there is a better way. You don’t even know how to treat others. You don’t even know what’s the right way to behave, never mind how to do it. 

Like speaking a foreign language. If you haven’t learned it, then those foreigners will not be able to use it with you. They know they’ll be wasting their time.

When we don’t know how to treat others properly and appropriately, such lack of good behaviour gives no encouragement to others to treat you any differently.

It will be a rare, altruistic, loving person, who will not follow the poor level of your behaviour, but step up to their own level, and treat you much better than you treated them. You give them 10%, and they return 90%. 

It seems to be a common human tendency is to respond in kind. Give as good as you get. Tit for tat. Disrespect gets disrespect, friendly and open produces a similar response. It almost seems as if it’s in our DNA. 

This raises a very interesting question: do we all have an inbuilt tendency to mirror others? To build rapport, and get on their wavelength? Many other common sayings seem to suggest that this is our experience:

“Birds of a feather flock together”

“We can tell who you are by the company you keep.”

“We feel comfortable in the company of similar people.”

“We all seek our own tribe.”

Let’s take a common everyday example. A man gives up alcohol. That alone can mean that he’s no longer part of his tribe at the local pub. 

He has set himself a standard that doesn’t fit in with the others. Strained relationships! The drinkers start to feel bad every time they buy another round of drinks, and their friend is the odd man out.

Our own self-behaviour sets the standard – invites, permits, the same from others. So let’s make it as positive as we can. Why not? If we do, then good things happen:

Self-respect leads to receiving respect from others;

Self-acceptance leads to receiving acceptance from others;

Self-esteem leads to receiving esteem from others;

Self-love leads to receiving love from others;

Self-belief leads to receiving belief from others.

In a nutshell: treat yourself positively, and others will raise their game, and try their best to return their own version of positivity.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

What’s your own experience? Perhaps you’d care to leave a comment below. Thank you.

Good positive relationships are an essential element in building trust between the business and their customers.  As Rubin says: “Trust is priceless.” 

Trust is needed, because so many successful businesses completely depend on repeat customers. If customers have any doubts about trusting a company, then they will fly into the arms of a better competitor. “Once bitten, twice shy.”

We live in a very competitive world, and often find ourselves in a “win or lose” situation. We will always enjoy less success than is possible if we alienate our customers. Building trust and rapport spells success.

Rubin compares this good relationship approach to a more traditional dog-eat-dog, competitive world of business. He highlights two such approaches: indifference and hostility. 

He suggests indifference is expensive, because if we display a cold, self-seeking approach to potential customers, then we won’t be  successful. If the customer gets the impression that you don’t really care about him and his needs, then you’ve lost him. It will cost you a lot in lost revenue. As Dale Carnegie insisted, you cannot “win friends and influence people” unless you genuinely focus on their interests.

Hostility, of course, is even worse. Why would anyone want to do business with someone attacking him? As Rubin says, it’s “unaffordable.”  Even when we know this, if we haven’t learned self-discipline and patience, then our anger and hostility will force the failure. Self-control is an essential, non-negotiable element in any mature adult.

Perhaps we need to delve a little deeper into the human heart. Good relationships cannot be built on a trust that is fake. People can sniff it out when they are being lied to. Pretend care and concern for the customer will surface. If you are not really a loving person, then people will know.

To build good relationships, you must be genuine. There is nothing worse that finding out that someone you trusted has been a false friend. This is true in life, and is true in business relationships. Your customer is your bread and butter. So respect them. Honour them with a relationship of trust and co-operation. 

Never forget” “Trust is priceless. It’s all about relationships.”

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

What’s your own experience? Perhaps you’d care to leave a comment below. Thank you.

Let’s suppose you need to get to know someone. Perhaps a work colleague, a new neighbour, a friend of a friend, an important acquaintance. Then the question becomes: how do I do that? How do I discover what’s beneath the surface?

But, what’s wrong with the surface? Why do we want to know what’s below the surface, deep inside the person? Because the surface may be the problem.

As the word “surface” suggests, we may only be seeing what that person is prepared to communicate to others. People have countless reasons to prevent others really knowing them deep down. “This is the ME I’m prepared to show other people.” But why would we want to hide? Obviously we’ve something to hide.

We are all a mixture: of good and not so good. We prefer to show others the good side, and keep the rest hidden. “None of their business,” we might think, “let’s work on a need to know basis.”

Actions speak louder than words

In Andrew Carnegie’s quote, he focusses on just two ways of discovering a bit more about a person: what they SAY, and what they DO. He’s not talking about having an interview with them, but rather how can we know them better, simply by observing some of their behaviour.

His suggestion:  we’ll get a much more accurate picture of a person, by seeing what they DO. He believes that’s better than what they SAY.

Perhaps he believes that people can hide the truth about themselves much more easily in their speech. Telling lies, making exaggerations, revealing half truths; the list of possible ways to deceive others out of the mouth is endless.

When words hide the real truth

Very often, if not always, people will tell you a version of themselves that’s not true, and they are not even aware of it. Full self-knowledge is a rare commodity. Self-deception is as common as dirt. So many people live in a fantasy world, imagining they have all kinds of positive qualities.

Their friends, who know them better, just smile. Often they don’t have the heart to tell them about their faults and failings. “Why upset them? It’s harmless enough, and it makes them feel good.”

When automatic pilot is a revelation

Now let’s turn to the action part of the quote. Carnegie says we get a much better understanding of someone by their actions. Is this true? It certainly could be, if people are doing things on automatic pilot, unaware that others, observing them, are able to judge something about their character.

Or maybe it’s not even because they’re being watched. Perhaps people get to know what they’ve done because other people have told them. Yet again, people may act in certain ways, completely unaware what that behaviour is saying to other people.

Carnegie also adds a very interesting personal element: his own age. He finds that the older he gets, the more he’s focusses on other people’s behaviour, rather than their words. As they say, wisdom comes with age.

Maybe he’d been fooled, so many times over the years, by what people said. Bit by bit he probably discovered that their actions really do speak louder than words.

We all need to talk with other people

All of this can be extremely important. We all need good communication skills. We live in a world of relationships. If we can’t communicate with others, then bad things can happen. History demonstrates this over and over again.

We can make an excellent start in building a relationship, using the knowledge we already have from that person’s actions and words. We can learn so much, simply by observing others with an open mind.

Good communication, good relationships, good rapport: these are essential elements of a happy and fulfilled life.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

A person of unconditional love is a rare species. They stand head and shoulders above the rest of us. One thinks of Jane Bennet in “Pride and Prejudice” – so loving that she thought the best of everyone. She had a heart filled with love and concern for others, whatever their faults and failings. 

Most of us, unfortunately, find it hard to follow such a towering example. Our spiritual growth is stunted. The problem is our selfishness: ME first. Our automatic pilot forever whispers in our ear: 

“What’s in it for me?”

We are all so wrapped up in ourselves, most of the time, that we live by self-interest. We spend all day with our mind filled with what we want. It’s like background music; not necessarily the main focus, but relentlessly present.

It’s so difficult to forget our self-interest, and to focus all our heart and soul on another person, and how we can help them. Life runs on our relationships. They are key to our personal growth. Life’s all about love, kindness, compassion for others.

Perhaps the fundamental religious attitude of “love your neighbour as yourself” helps us to put things in perspective.

We all automatically love, and take care of ourselves — unless of course we’re suffering from a self-hating psychological illness. We should feel that loving drive about caring for others.

The famous “Golden Rule” teaches the same lesson: you yourself are the criterion for how you should treat others. Would you do that to yourself? Would you like others to do that to you? No? Well, then, you don’t do it to anyone else. What good things would you like? Then help your neighbour to have them as well. Again, life’s about love.

For example: people who’ve experienced “near-death experiences” (and there are thousands of well documented cases) all speak of their experience of overwhelming love “on the other side.” It convinces them that love’s where it’s at.

The paradox of love is simply this: the more we give to others, unselfishly, the more we get back. I am reminded of that other well-known little saying:

“Kindness if hardest thing in the world to give away, because it’s always returned.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true: the more selfish we are, the less we receive. People are put off by selfish people, those who are just out for themselves. 

Sadly, selfish people often end up lonely. Why not give real love a chance? No regrets later on.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Any thoughts on love and selfishness? Please let us know by leaving a comment. It could really help others.

We wouldn’t even think we were doing anything wrong. Thoughts of revenge, getting our own back, would fill our mind. Our mind would shout to us: “He deserves to be told off. He’s being horrible, and needs to be challenged.”

Most of us are brought up in a culture of self-defence. That’s why we spend trillions on weapons of self-defence as a nation. As kids, we taught to “stand up to the bullies.” We’re taught to be strong and decisive when facing unjustified negativity from anyone else. Many States justify carrying weapons of self-defence.

We are told that hatred is evil, and we must stand up to it wherever and whenever we encounter it. But there just maybe a better way: return love for hatred!

Many religions teach this. In our quote this week, we have Buddha’s take on the issue. A Christian need think no further than the words of Jesus, spoken as He hung on the cross, dying in excruciating agony.

He said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Perhaps most of us are at a low level of human growth and development: still novices in the great game of life, death and eternity. Every single religion on the planet, every decent atheist, agree that Love is the greatest of human values.

There is no greater height to which love can soar, than to love and forgive enemies. Perhaps only a tiny percentage have achieved these heights of love. Such a person genuinely loves the enemy, the person who hates them.

They want to help them move onwards and upwards from hatred. They know that only by returning love for hatred can they begin to chip away at their armour of hatred and rejection.

Human history is filled with people of such great love. Most of us struggle along the lowlands of life, unable to reach the dizzy heights of the rugged mountain path of awesome love.

Maybe we can begin this love journey anew. Try every possible strategy we know, to move on: from revenge and hatred, to love and forgiveness.

Where are you on this love journey? Where do you want to be? What’s your take on this issue?

Do you agree with the Buddha that love is “the eternal rule”?

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. How has life challenged you in love/hate? If you like, please let us know by leaving a comment.

My first thought is to ask whether the personal relationships, referred to in this beautiful quote, are positive or negative. Positive relationships mean that we get on well with people. If we have negative relationships, then that tends to isolate us.

Obviously Ben is taking about positive relationships. The ability to get on well with other people is a golden quality, that oils the success wheels of all kinds of life ventures, where we have to work with other people.

What’s your boss like?

One huge area, where this personal relationship dimension is crucial, is in business. Most businesses are hierarchical, an authority pyramid, with different levels of responsibility for others. A key issue is how the boss treats their workers. Gone are the days when it was simply a matter of dictatorship. What the boss told you to do, you did it. If not, you got fired.

Let’s hope we’re a bit more advanced today. A boss who can command the respect, even the love of their workers, is the boss who builds a successful company. Human relations savvy is essential. Business success, of course, also depends on many other elements; elements such as how the market is doing, whether the product is good enough to compete with competitors, and so on. However . . .

Even if all these other elements are in place, a boss who can’t get on with their staff can undermine the whole business, and lead to failure. An unhappy workplace is a recipe for failure.

Happy Families?

Let’s take another area where relationships are key: families. Countless movies bear witness to what happens when family relationships go wrong. Their storylines depend on disagreements, fights, misunderstandings, etc. On the other hand, Romcoms bear witness to the beauty, joy and happiness that spring from positive relationships – at least by the end of the movie! Yes, “boy still gets girl.”

Politics and Them and Us

We could make a seemingly endless list of different areas of life, where positive relationships are essential, and yet often seem so hard to achieve. A massive area is politics, where the very fibre of political life seems to be a relentless “them and us” battleground.

Of course, this applies in so-called “democratic” countries; but is so much worse in countries still tied in to dictatorial regimes. Countries, where people have to obey like sheep, are hardly likely to result in “advancement, success and achievement” of our Ben Stein quote.

The matter becomes even worse, when we examine the relationship between different countries, especially when they have different models of leadership. That’s the obvious reason why we have so many wars, and today’s no different.

Is there a better, peaceful way?

Many philosophers and spiritual leaders today attempt a paradigm shift in our thinking. They help us to see that it’s possible to move from the duality of “them and us” to the “oneness” of us all. I fear they have a long, uphill struggle.

There are just so many “dualities” we still cling to in life. Dualities, where there are just two options to choose from: them and us, right or wrong, for or against, etc. We experience such dualism is race, religion, politics, rich and poor – to name just a few.

Will the day ever come when we see ourselves as family, as “brothers and sisters?” It’s a beautiful dream, but it seems a long way off.

Maybe you can help?

Maybe not in our lifetime. Utopia still seems an impossible dream. All we can do, as individuals, is to try to live that mindset within our little piece of the world: our family, our friends, and our local community.

How could you do even one little thing to move from division towards unity? What will you do today, tomorrow . . .?

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. How are Unity and Division working out in your life? Please let us know by leaving a comment.

What do you think Shaw had in mind in this quote? This question is essential; the quote is so general, it could be understood in many ways. You could change your mind about anything, and everything, in the Universe. The quote’s too general; we need to examine just one kind of change we might need to make.

Let’s focus on stubbornness. Why? Well, many of us have a stubborn streak. I certainly do. Maybe you do, too. What drives a stubborn attitude? I believe it’s pride. I don’t mean the justifiable pride you take in a hard-earned achievement. No, but the pride that is an exaggerated view of one’s own importance. Such people often think they’re better than everyone else!

Above all, pride always wants to be right. Pride hates to make a mistake. Let’s be honest; we hate it even more when others find out we made that mistake. Our pride is hurt. We feel angry and resentful, ready to lash out at the nearest person, especially someone we consider weaker than we are.

How to “lose friends and alienate people”

It’s easy to see why such a proud, stubborn person couldn’t change anything that needed other people’s vote! A proud person has very little influence on others. That proud attitude puts people off. The last thing they want to do is listen to what that proud, stubborn person wants. Such a person is the very last person able to “win friends, and influence people.”

A proud person clings to their own view of things. They have a closed mind. Their pride tells them they’ve nothing to learn from other people. Have you ever noticed something very interesting about such people? Their conversations are completely one-sided: their own side. They want to do all the talking.

You don’t even listen!

The proud person is passionate about telling others what’s right and wrong, true and false. Notice something very telling: proud people never listen. “My way or the highway,” seems to be their operating principle, and mindset. What’s the result of such interaction? They have shut themselves off from learning anything. They only talk about what they already believe.

If anyone else tells them something different, new, challenging, they are already miles away in their own mind. They are already rehearsing and repeating their own view of the matter. They have locked themselves into a mental prison. They cannot get out, and other people can’t get in.

Can you imagine how sad and lonely that must be? How much better it would be if they unlocked their little prison gates, and shut up for once, and just listened. They would learn so much, in so little time. Their world would expand overnight. It would be like walking in a new, exotic wonderland of the mind.

Delight in an open mind

Perhaps we could sum up the general sense of the quote in this way: have an open mind. An open mind enjoys a feast of learning, a feast of relationship with everyone they meet.

A closed mind learns nothing, gives nothing, enjoys nothing. A closed mind desperately needs a loving person to reach out, forgive him, accept him. A closed mind needs an open mind to love him, befriend him, and gradually open up his mind, to a new world of human sharing.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Have you any examples of stubborn people that you’d like to share? Please leave a comment  below.

This quotation suggests a radical difference between being clever and being wise. To me, it would seem that, what he means is, that being clever may stop short at amassing information. However, information alone is  not enough.

We also need wisdom, having a good idea how best to use that information. We need to move on from merely clever, and become wise.

Life’s winners and losers

Being wise provides exactly what can be missing in mere cleverness. A wise person knows that information on its own is like having a lot of money, but now knowing how to spend it. I’m sure there are many people who come into money, and then squander it on silly and selfish things.

They only wake up when they’ve spent it all, and realise too late that there were many much better ways they could, and perhaps, should have spent it. They become “wise after the event.”

Classic examples, of course, are some people who win the lottery, and suddenly have an obscene amount of money. We imagine they’re “lucky.” Often, however, they go a bit mad, and suffer a kind of temporary insanity.

They go off and engage in a crazy spending spree, throwing money around, as if it were confetti. After a few months of such extravagance, they’re back to where they started. Were they “lucky”? Perhaps that’s when the regrets begin.

Knowledge is like that, yes we can pile it up in our heads, gain more everyday, but it’s wasted if it’s not put to good use.

Who can change the world?

So, can being clever change the world? Perhaps a merely clever person might be able to change some things. They could start a business, have money savvy, and make a profit. The product they’re selling could very well help a lot of people. They do change the world in some way.

However, perhaps they can’t analyse some really important changes that need to be made, and could be made. Wisdom is surely needed for that. A wise person knows how to use their knowledge to help other people. True wisdom includes generosity, service, altruism.

One who is clever, but without wisdom, may tend to be more selfish. Then again, they may not be selfish at all. Which raises the question: how does one grow knowledge into wisdom? One way that springs to mind is to make good use of a wise mentor, a role model that can add a wise dimension to a knowledgeable but immature person.

Start by changing yourself

This ties in with the last part of the quote. First, we need to change ourselves, before we can successfully change the “world” – in other words, before we can truly “win friends and influence people.” The classic advice of Gandhi springs to mind:

“be the change yourself that you wish to see in others.”

Perhaps another way of looking at the difference, is to realise that being clever may just be book knowledge. True wisdom springs from hard-earned life skills. All the priceless learning that comes from being with other people in different situations, and taking on board the lessons learned.

One sees an example of this in some TV survival programmes. It’s not always the clever guy that copes best. Often the one that shines is the ordinary man or woman with plenty of life skills. People who are wise, who know how to apply their knowledge, and work as a team.

Remember wise old Dale Carnegie?

It is a marvellous thing to want to change the world. Just make sure, it would seem, that you’ve become wise, dealing with people and knowing how best to work with them. Dale Carnegie, the wise old master, spells it out brilliantly, in his classic book “How to win friends and influence people”

He explains how to be a wise and useful member of society, how to make friends and be a person of authentic influence.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Love to hear from you about your experience of using knowledge wisely. Please leave your comments.

I must confess that, at times, I’m as bad as anyone when it comes to prejudice, criticism, and judging others. Why are we like that? Do you know what the problem seems to be? A judgmental mindset seems to be written in our souls, our fixed and final DNA.

Take Syria for example. What do we see? Huge division, and civil war for 7 long years. Mention Syria to anyone, and immediately they believe they know exactly who’s to blame. It seems obvious to them who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong. The other side of the argument, of course, is equally convinced they’re right.

The blame game

Both sides would say to the other: “You’re only saying that because you’re biased.” The person making that condemnation is, of course, as biased as the next man/woman. Heated arguments seem to be such a common part of human life. We all feel we know exactly who’s to blame, who’s the bad guy, who’s the good guy. It’s totally natural. We do it without even having to think.

Why? Let’s see.

It’s because we are utterly convinced we have every right to condemn wrongdoing. We are convinced we are making a fair and honest judgement. We hate being accused of bias, prejudice.

“Biased? Who me? No way. Can’t you see? It’s obvious who’s right and who’s wrong.”

Prejudice, judgement, condemnation pour from our lips. Yet we believe we are being fair and honest.

Has Dale Carnegie got this one wrong?

Let’s take another look at what Carnegie says:

“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain, but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Dale Carnegie seems way off the mark here. Maybe we’re convinced he’s wrong, and we challenge him. This is the kind of thing we might say to Dale:

“I have every right to condemn wrongdoing when I see it. How dare you accuse me of not understanding? Even a child can see who’s right and who’s wrong.”

What do you think? Has Dale Carnegie got it all wrong in this quote? Does he wrongly accuse people of lacking self-control and character, when they condemn what seems a clear case of evil?

Above all, we may take issue with his belief that, in these cases, we need more “understanding.” We may answer:

“What’s there to understand, when it’s as clear as day that evil things have been done for all the world to see?”

Beware of second guessing another person’s mind

Such talk, of course, is no more than guessing what’s going on in the other person’s mind. We can see and judge external things. But we can’t see into the mind of the person doing these things. That’s an essential distinction we need to keep in mind: external actions, and thoughts in the mind.

There are countless cases throughout history where a person, judged by all to be evil, has a totally different view in his own mind. Yes, maybe they were confused, mixed up, wrong thinking, feeling compelled to do certain things. But they still see themselves as a good guy.

OK. Let’s admit that their thinking may have been all mixed up. That doesn’t make them evil; evil in the sense that they deliberately, consciously, knowingly and willingly did something very bad. In their own minds they seem to have a good reason to do what they did.

Let’s take an example from the Bible. The Pharisees, who condemned Jesus to death, also believed they had a good reason to condemn him. They were convinced that, if they allowed Jesus to continue his preaching, the Romans would invade, and take over their country .

Yes, they thought they were doing something necessary for the sake of their people: “Better for one man to die for the sake of the people.”

A pathway to forgiveness?

Even Jesus, crucified on the cross, could understand the probable mindset of those who condemned him. He realised that they thought they were doing what they felt they had to do.

“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Jesus gives us an awesome lesson here. He asks us not to judge others, because we may be so very wrong. If we could open our minds to this kind of thinking, maybe we wouldn’t be so quick to judge and condemn others.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Would like to hear what you think?

You want to change the way they relate to you, make it better, more positive.

The worst strategy is to start attacking them.

“Why are you looking at me that way? What have I done to you? Why don’t you like me?

Attack someone, and they defend themselves. They harden their attitude. Makes things worse.

No-one likes being judged by another person. It simply stirs up even more negativity and a further breakdown in relations. They may even decide not to talk to that person any more.

So, what’s a better way?

Simple. Stop judging them. Why? Because it’s impossible. You can’t see what’s in that person’s heart and mind. You’re only guessing, and with a negative mindset. You’re behaving towards them aggressively.

Much better to behave in a positive way. Talk to them positively. Smile. Offer a handshake. Praise something good they have done. Offer to help them. Show yourself friendly, peaceful and ready to work with them. Let your behavior show them that you really do accept them.

A word of warning!

It’s no use just pretending to accept them. Such lies are seen immediately. Find love in your heart for them. Authentic love and openness. As Og Mandino famously wrote: “I greet this day with love in my heart.”

Apply that to everyone you meet. “I greet this person with love in my heart.”

It can work like magic. Someone close to me used this strategy working with difficult people. Almost always it provided an unexpected breakthrough.

People are not stupid. They can sense when they’re being lied to. They can also feel when another person really does accept them, without any personal judgement.

So, if you want to change someone else’s negative attitude to wards you, then the remedy is simple. Change your own behavior towards them.

It seems that Katherine Hepburn had a point!

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S  Feel free to share this Quote with a friend.

We saw, in Quote of the week 7, that one way to deal with someone’s aggression towards you  is to be a peacemaker. Let’s see a small family example:

Wife: “Stop shouting. I’ve had enough arguing and having a go at each other. I can’t stand it any more. Let’s stop fighting and just move on.”

Husband: “Yeah, you’re right. Does it really matter who’s right and who’s wrong? Let’s just get on with our life.”

What do you think?  Good idea, isn’t it?  They’ve focused on a positive outcome that they both want and appreciate. Peace has been restored.

However, that’s maybe as far as it goes. It’s a shallow peace. No-one’s actually admitted to being in the wrong, and neither feels the need for forgiveness. Forgiveness is not even mentioned.

Why forgiveness still helps

So, why might they need the further step of forgiveness? After all,  peace is restored. The fight’s over. Why not just leave well alone . . . and “move on?”

One reason might be that such a shallow peace alone is not enough. Why? Because the problem is that the solution is only half-baked. True, it’s better than nothing. But what’s left undone could still fester on, and come up again later.

After all, nothing’s really been resolved. The reason for the fight has been avoided: deliberately left hanging. It’s not gone away!

The whole thing could blow up again, the next time they have a disagreement. They’re tempted to think back to the previous occasion.

They latch on to the fact that the other person never actually admitted being in the wrong. They still blame the other person. They probably still felt deep inside that the pain hasn’t really gone away. The wound was never healed.

Forgiveness: a deeper peace

Forgiveness takes peacemaking to a whole new level. Forgiveness creates a profound inner peace of mind.

Forgiveness heals deep down. It restores a deeper, more authentic peace. It makes friends of enemies. It destroys the “blame game.” Husband and wife smile, kiss and make up, they feel good inside at a much deeper level.

As they say, “To err is human, to forgive is Divine.”

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S  Feel free to share this Quote with a friend.

We’ve all heard of the old cliche “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cannot hurt me.”

The logic of that phrase is so hard to swallow; it leaves us cold. We cry out in pain,

“You’re wrong. So wrong. Words can hurt me very deeply. I’ll remember them for the rest of my life.”

I’m sure most of us would feel that way. So, let’s look at it again. “Words cannot hurt me.” Or can they?

Logically speaking, of course, the saying does make complete sense. Words can’t hurt us. A word is just a word. However logic’s not the whole story. Far from it.

It’s obvious words can’t hurt us physically.  But we can be hurt in other ways too. We can be hurt in our feelings.

There’s a mountain of deep and powerful emotions in every one of us. These emotions react almost on automatic pilot. We feel hurt. We react with anger.

We get upset, even furious. We think only of how we can get our own back. Sweet revenge beckons. Logic goes out the window.

As Carnegie teaches: “Our logic is like a birchbank canoe tossed about on a deep, dark, stormy sea of emotions.”

So, what can we do? If anything! Must we allow our emotions to dictate how we deal with people?

It’s a times like these that we need to remember, “I’m a mature character.”

Mature people have had to learn self-control, self-discipline. Focus on this fact: you’ve got some control over your emotions. You simply need to “bite your tongue, count to ten.”

Pause. Take “a time out”. Pause again. Pause yet again.

Stop blindly reacting. Now, start to think. Let the anger subside. Let your mature self take over.

Why allow some negative comment to dictate your life? After all, it probably took them all of 5 seconds to say it! You really do have the power to get over it. You’re not a kid. You can move on.

• Why allow a passing comment to steal your happiness?
• Why be upset for the rest of the day? The rest of your life? All because of a 5-second comment!
• Why keep playing it over and over in your mind?

Get on with your life, the way you want it to be. It’s your life, to live as you choose.

Your sense of humor might help here.

Learn to laugh at yourself. No-one’s perfect. Let’s be happy to accept that we, too, have many faults and failings. Even the greatest humans, that ever walked this earth, have had their fair share of weaknesses, mistakes, false beliefs and opinions. So have you. So have I.

Just relax. Let go. Have a good laugh at your immature, negative reaction.

Maybe you can go even further, raise your game. Maybe you could tell yourself,

“You know what, maybe they have a point.”

As we have heard it said, so many times,

“You’ll get more truth about yourself from your enemies than your friends.”

Why? Because your friend doesn’t want to hurt you, tell you the painful truth about yourself. So?

So the friend lies to you. Keeps you sweet. Panders to your “deep, dark, stormy sea of emotions.”

If we were really honest with ourselves, we might even think,

“If they only knew the half of my faults and failings!”

So laugh at yourself. Join the club.

We’re all only human.

May I wish you lots of love, peace and wisdom in your life!

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S.   I’d love to learn how you deal with criticism; please share your comments with the rest of us.

P.P.S  Feel free to share this Quote with a friend.

Did you answer “NO! Of course not. I’m not that stupid.”

Why would you be STUPID if you spent money that way?

Surely it’s because you don’t want to waste money. Why not? Because money has a value. A great value. It’s what you absolutely need. No money, then life becomes extremely difficult.

Pause for a moment, and think. Think of some other things in your life that are really important to you.

Do you care for them?

Look after them?

Place a great value on them?

Never want to be without them?

Treat them with love and appreciation?

It’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? The answer is “Of course I do! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”

Ben Franklin reminds us that one of the most important things in our life is time. Time travel doesn’t happen. When it’s gone, it’s gone. One way traffic.

On our death bed, time suddenly becomes huge. We see how much time we could have used better.

Why wait until you’re dying? Value time now.

Use it well. Use it to love others. Make a difference. Do things you love.

Remember, time’s a one-way ticket. No going back.

When it’s gone, it’s gone.

Time out!

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. I’d love to hear what you value most spending time on. Why not leave a quick comment below? Thank you!

Not nice, is it? We don’t like it. We don’t need it. We are tempted to answer them back. We feel justified in adopting the same tone, the same aggressive behavior.

We’ve been instructed since childhood that we must “stick up for ourselves.” Not allow people to “trample all over us”. Hurt our feelings. Be nasty to us.

“They’ve no right to talk to me like that!”

“Well, if that’s their attitude, then two can play that game.”

All very understandable. It’s what we do. Self-defense is precious.

A question.

What if there were a better way?

What if you could defuse the situation, simply and easily? Wouldn’t that feel much better? Most of us hate arguing and fighting anyway. We want to get along with people.

Wouldn’t it be much better, for them too, to be able to calm them down? Stop the negativity in its tracks?

Then be convinced of the beauty of being a peacemaker.

Whatever your own personal beliefs about seeking peace, forgiveness, returning “good” for “evil,” there is one simple, easy reason why seeking peace is a very good idea.

You yourself will feel much better.

Your blood pressure will return to normal, the smile will return to your face, the hand of friendship will be extended. Stress will abate. You’ll be at peace.

The other person will probably be amazed. Hitting back seems to be the norm. Hopefully, they will be very pleasantly surprised. Deep down, they probably don’t want to argue and fight any more than you do.

As precious human beings, you are both infinitely more valuable that any petty issue that comes between you.

Let’s try hard to be smart. Seek peace, reconciliation, and a stress free life.

Makes more sense, doesn’t it?

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

PS  If you like this quote please feel free to share it.

We just need to come to the realisation that love is not something difficult. It’s our very nature to be loving people. Most people nowadays realise that love is also the very nature of our Source. Some people call this source God.

Our challenge is to let that love shine through in all that we are, all that we do, all that we think. We just need to open up to that Loving Source, with faith that our love will evolve and grow naturally.

Think of the flowers in your garden. It is in their very nature to thrive, grow, bloom and look gorgeous. They don’t need to try hard. They just let go, and so grow as they’re meant to.

Maybe we overthink things. I know I do. My wife noticed this and kindly helped me to realise it. Perhaps it’s a man thing – left-brained and all that.  We men need to be more in touch with our gentle side. Open up to our better feelings and emotions.

If we really want to do the right thing, we’ll find that love comes naturally. We are called to love all  other people. No blame, no judgement, no condemnation. Who are we to judge others, when we can’t see into their mind and heart?

Love is especially necessary when we find ourselves confronted with someone who seems to have negative feelings towards us. The very last thing, we should ever think of, is returning that negativity. That never works. Just causes more negativity.

Why not simply send them love. You can always do it silently in the silence of your heart. I’m reminded of the famous suggestion of Og Mandino: “I greet this day with love in my heart.” It works every time. How?

You automatically enter into each moment of the day with a quiet, positive and loving feeling. That beautiful energy gets through to people. I know there are countless examples of this in real life.

My wife, for example. She had a vey difficult job, dealing with and helping very broken, hurting people. Her loving attitude invariable got through to them. They felt it, a strong positive energy. It touched them, even though they probably had no idea why they liked this lady. They opened up to her, and she was able to help them.

It was simplicity itself. She said in her heart, “I greet this person with love in my heart.” We can all relate to that.

I feel that it’s especially important to have this loving attitude to those closest to us. We are often tempted to behave in less than loving ways, and we have a hundred excuses why we “have every right” to answer back that way.

Just pause for a second before letting go at them. Will it help? Why listen to your injured pride? Why accept their gift of negativity? Far better for all concerned if you simply return love to that person. The magic is that the problem vanishes almost immediately. If we don’t fight back, argue, feed the anger, then it all dissipates.

However, I’m aware that if there is serious, abnormal domestic violence, then even sending them love may not work at all. They are very often closed to love in that situation.

In normal situations, sending love is a powerful remedy. Isn’t that a far better way to live than fighting back? Why? “It is in giving that we receive.” Less stress. Less pain. Less hurt feelings. More love. More understanding. More peace. Even your body will thank you, be healthier and even live longer!

A life of profound love is within reach of us all. And best of all: the more we live like that, the better things get. In the immortal words of the Beatles, and many others too, “all you need is love.”

Why settle for anything less? It’s who you are.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

Here are a few thoughts on the power of love.

Thank you for listening. Peace and blessings to you and your loved-ones.

Let’s all continue to help make our world a better place

Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

Mindful Minutes with the Merry Monk

10: Your Precious Downtime

Thanks for listening. Let’s all continue to help make this world a better place.

Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

In this podcast we look at how much we need to move on after a fall out with a loved on or friend. Reconciliation is beautiful, one of the greatest human experiences we can have.

Thanks for listening. Peace, blessings and harmony to you and your loved-ones

Let’s all continue to help make our world a better place.

Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

In the next 3 podcasts you focus on 3 important dimensions of Christian life. In this meditation you explore beyond forgiveness towards love.

Our Bible text for this meditation is  (Mat. 5:44)

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

Peace and blessings to you and your loved-ones.

Rev. Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

Peace and blessings to you and your loved-ones.

Our Bible text for this meditation is  (Mat. 5:7)

“Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy.”

Peace and blessings to you and your loved-ones.

Rev. Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

Why should you forgive?

What they did to you was unforgivable. So, they deserve to be punished.

Do you feel that?

That’s understandable, you’re not the only one. We all feel that at times.

Why then should you forgive people who hurt you badly? They chose to hurt you. They wanted to hurt you. They knew perfectly well how much it would hurt you. Why should you let them off the hook? Forgiving them might make them feel better, but what about you?

So, why should you forgive?

Let’s get one thing straight. Forgiveness never condones, forgiveness never accepts, forgiveness never sanitizes any hurtful behavior. But, until you forgive, you will never let go of the hurt, and remove the poison. The poison of un-forgiveness in your heart.

This poison spreads into every area of your life. This poison will spread out its bitter venom and could eventually destroy you. This poison contaminates you, it corrodes you and it corrupts you: mind, body and spirit.

Why allow your own feelings and behavior to sink as low as the person who hurt you?

“It may be infinitely worse to refuse to forgive than to murder,

because the latter may be an impulse of moment of heat,

whereas the former is a cold and deliberate choice of the heart’

George MacDonald 

These words of George MacDonald seem very harsh.

How far could you agree with him?

Does he have a point?

What are some of the ways that this poison affect people’s lives? Or maybe even your life?

So, what are these 7 ways that can poison your life?

1. Un-forgiveness can poison relationships. 

How might this happen? There are many devastating ways this poison can affect your relationships. Do you recognize any of these?

• Cutting a loved-one out of your life.

“I hate you. Get out, and don’t come back.”

“I’ll never speak to you again”

“Well, they’ve never bothered getting in touch with me, so why should I?”

•  Resenting your parents

“You never listen to me.”

“Whatever I do is never good enough for you.”

“Why can’t you just let me live my own life?”

•  Angry with your children

“You never listen to me.”

“I’m telling you for your own good.”

“You’ll never make a decent living doing that.”

•  Stressed out with work colleagues

“The boss is always on my back”

“I always have to pick up the slack, because they don’t do their job properly.”

“Why should they get promotion before me?”

•  Falling out with your best friend

“I can’t believe they could do that to me.”

“How could they betray me like that?”

“I could never say that to them.”

Do you recognise any of these? I know I certainly do. I’m sure most people do.

However, it doesn’t have to be that way. You are well aware that it’s in your power to change your heart. Relationships are so important in your life.

Why allow them to be destroyed? Why not make the first move? Why don’t you seek a path towards reconciliation?

2 Un-forgiveness affects your health

It’s a well-known medical fact that anger, resentment and feelings of revenge can seriously undermine your health.

These feelings can result in stress, depression, and psychological problems, which in turn affect every cell in your body.

Is that what you want?

Why allow that person to continually affect you long after the incident has passed. Why surrender your health and wellbeing to someone else? Why not move on? Haven’t they done enough to hurt you already?

3. Un-forgiveness robs you of your inner peace, harmony and energy

Any internal conflict is quite incompatible with inner peace. How can you feel calm, relaxed and at peace when you have an unresolved hurt, raging anger or cold resentment in your heart?

Your mind, body and spirit are out of harmony. Because harmony cannot co-exist with conflict, confusion and chaos. These three poisons are the inevitable result of an unforgiving heart.

Hurt, anger and resentment drain your energy. They steal far too much of your precious time and energy, reliving the event over and over. Uselessly. Because this will never change what happened. The past is past. Only its negative impact remains in your mind and heart.

Why settle for conflict when you could enjoy peace?

Why continue to disturb your harmony and peace of mind?

Why waste your energy reliving the past?

 4. Un-forgiveness affects the way you see the world

When you’ve been hurt, your subconscious reacts to protect you. This affects your behavior in similar situations.

For instance, if you’ve been out at night and been attacked, you may be afraid of going out alone at night. You may avoid that area completely in future. You may view the world as a much more dangerous place. You’ll be more suspicious of strangers. Your world will begin to shrink.

If your partner has been unfaithful, you may stop trusting them, even if you’ve made it up with them. You may start suspecting what they’re up to when you’re not with them.

If you’ve had your heart broken, then you’re less likely to trust your heart to another. This could extend to how you behave in other relationships too.

As we all know, these are just a few examples.

The way you see the world affects all that you do.

Why continue to let the hurt bring negativity into your world?

Why persist in tolerating someone besmirching your social environment?

Why not drive out that hurt from your heart and enjoy a better life?

5. You will begin to cause hurt to others

These are just a few of the possible consequences: arguments, fights and fall-outs.  I’m sure it’s a familiar part of all our lives. We witness it so many times in others as well as ourselves.

You will allow yourself to sink to a lower level of love and compassion. You may begin to behave towards others like the one who hurt you. You will take out the hurt others have caused you on your loved-ones.

For example:

• You may take revenge on the person who hurt you, or did you wrong, but this will escalate. It may even hurt other family members who get involved, causing family feuds, or divsions in groups where friends take sides.

• You’re cross, stressed, and mad; you get in your car, and drive dangerously. You may cause an accident hurting yourself or injuring an innocent party.

• Or, you snap at a customer or colleague because the boss has just shouted at you.

Is that how you want others to see you behave?

We’ve all suffered the pain of other people’s anger. But do we really need to pass in on? We can stop this downward spiral. We just need to look for a better way. We already know that way: understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.

6.  Un-forgiveness jars with your loving spirit

It’s almost impossible to live a life of love with a heart filled with anger and un-forgiveness. Why?

Because you suffer an internal conflict in the deepest part of your spirit, where your love and compassion dwell.

Un-forgiveness is also the exact opposite of your very destiny, shaped by the Infinite Love and Intelligence. Whatever your beliefs are: call it God, Source, Higher Power of the Universe. You are destined to be a loving person. That’s why we’re here.

Love is your greatest and all-embracing internal quality. Do you really want to risk compromising it? Do you really want your love to fade and even die, all because your heart is still full of bitterness? Do you really want to defile it with anger, hatred and un-forgiveness?

Of course not! Who in their right mind would? Isn’t it far better to get rid of your hurt, instead of enduring un-necessary turmoil and pain?

Better to live a much happier life, the inevitable fruit of love.

7.  Un-forgiveness Undermines Your Happiness

As you can see, by not forgiving you create all manner of nasty things for yourself.

It affects your mental, emotional and physical health. It affects your relationships with love-ones, friends and colleagues. It affects your inner peace, your outlook on life, and your time and energy.

It influences the way you see the world, one of hurt and danger rather than of fun and adventure. It influences your behavior, how you interact with, deal with and perhaps hurt others. It influences your very soul, by contaminating your loving heart with poison, which suddenly stops you on your true path, towards a life of love and fulfillment.

How could you possibly be happy with all that going on?

You know you don’t want that, you don’t deserve that, and you don’t need that.

Stop the poison now.

The sooner you do something about it, the better you’ll feel.

Yes, you think, all very well and good, but how exactly do it I learn to let go of the hurt?

This hurt must be flushed from your very soul. How?

Through the healing balm of forgiveness. Without forgiveness your heart is still trapped in a cage of deadly negativity. Unless this poison is eliminated, it can only expand and grow. You’ll relive that hurt over and over. Every day, every month, every year   . . . perhaps forever.

Unless and until you learn to forgive, and release the poison.

“There is a hard law: when an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.”

Alan Paton

So, look into your heart and see if there are people you might need to forgive. Why not let go of that hurt, find a better way, and move on with a happier heart?

And don’t forget the greatest need to forgive that most of us have.You, me and all of us.

We must learn to forgive ourselves.

@themerry_monk

Simple: just be nice, and behave yourself!

Not too difficult, surely? Just treat people with respect. That’s what everybody craves, whoever they are. Respect. Something very deep within us all. People even commit serious violence, simply because they believed they were not respected. Why?

Because no-one can accept being rejected as a person, perceived as nothing! We all deserve respect, whoever we are. But why do we all deserve respect? Surely the “bad guys” have forfeited their right to respect?

I don’t think so! Why? because I am convinced that every single human being deserves respect. Whoever they are. Whatever they have done.

How can I say that? I follow the ancient wisdom that distinguishes between the “sinner” and the “sin.” It states: “Hate the sin. Yes. But love the sinner.”

Such a belief will help us treat others with respect. Respect for another person’s humanity is the very first building block of mutual rapport and understanding.

An important attitude of rapport

So, to build rapport, an attitude of caring, displaying kindness and concern, will always attract the other person.

This is true of people we consider criminals. Those who work with them have found that they respond to a friendly, caring attitude of understanding in those who have to interview them.

If this seems hard to do, remember life’s not black and white. Good guys and bad guys. We’re all a mixture of good, bad and indifferent. Even so-called bad guys are not totally corrupt. There’s always a core of “better self” that can be discovered and appealed to.

Given the right attitude of rapport and understanding, a pathway to redemption can be opened up. Real life demonstrates countless examples of this happy outcome. People who have “ found God.” in prison. Many others who  have found a way forward, quite apart from any religious context. They’ve come to realise there’s another way: they’re “better than that.”

If only we could have such rapport and understanding in our world today, we would already be nearly “back to the Garden” – walking in an earthly paradise. Just think what a massive asset this could be – in every conceivable walk of life!

The “era of peace and understanding” would finally have arrived!

No caring = no rapport

What happens if this respectful, caring and open attitude is missing? If we feel the other person doesn’t really care about us, looks down on us, even rejects us in some way, then we turn off immediately. We are tempted to think:

“Is this person just trying to use me? What does she/he want?” 

Such an attitude is the death of any possible rapport. It can only lead to strained relationships, quarrels, rejection, violence and, in extreme cases, even murder. More like a living nightmare.

Unfortunately in today’s world, it would seem that millions still don’t get the message. Just listen to the news any day of the week.

Rapport flows from love

Perhaps we can tie rapport-building in with “fraternal love”. Fraternal love simply means we care for others as if they were our brothers. In fact, we actually are all brothers and sisters – in the wider sense of us all being constituent members of the human family.

Bearing this profound relationship in mind, we are less tempted to make quick, superficial and negative judgements about others.

Deep down, we’re all family, and life’s all about love.

The awesome power of loving rapport

Only love can open people up, and then we discover who they really are. As they say, “A stranger is simply a brother/sister I haven’t met yet.” We’re all in this together. That’s the root of our caring – we are all family.

People always soften when faced with unconditional love. They allow their better side to show. Even hardened criminals crave love, and will be moved and changed by it.

Rapport is simply a fancy word meaning that we get on with people, and we feel at ease; conversation, and even laughter, come effortlessly. Rapport is the necessary and inevitable outcome of treating another with love and acceptance.

Authentic rapport is crucial

But the love, caring and positive attitudes must be authentic and genuine. It is very difficult to pretend to accept someone, when inside we’re quite different. Inside and outside just don’t gel.

The other person becomes aware of it, because it shows in a hundred little ways. Pretense and rapport are incompatible.

How is pretense discovered? It’s seen in the face, capable of a thousand little gestures that betray and mirror what’s going on inside. Even experts in body language find it almost impossible to disguise their true feelings – in tiny little ways, their face, and countless other spontaneous body movements, give them away.

Rapport for us all!

In conclusion: anyone can build better rapport, by focusing on respect, acceptance and love of others.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk