In fact, when you haven’t even experienced a higher positive level of self-behaviour, you are unaware that there is a better way. You don’t even know how to treat others. You don’t even know what’s the right way to behave, never mind how to do it. 

Like speaking a foreign language. If you haven’t learned it, then those foreigners will not be able to use it with you. They know they’ll be wasting their time.

When we don’t know how to treat others properly and appropriately, such lack of good behaviour gives no encouragement to others to treat you any differently.

It will be a rare, altruistic, loving person, who will not follow the poor level of your behaviour, but step up to their own level, and treat you much better than you treated them. You give them 10%, and they return 90%. 

It seems to be a common human tendency is to respond in kind. Give as good as you get. Tit for tat. Disrespect gets disrespect, friendly and open produces a similar response. It almost seems as if it’s in our DNA. 

This raises a very interesting question: do we all have an inbuilt tendency to mirror others? To build rapport, and get on their wavelength? Many other common sayings seem to suggest that this is our experience:

“Birds of a feather flock together”

“We can tell who you are by the company you keep.”

“We feel comfortable in the company of similar people.”

“We all seek our own tribe.”

Let’s take a common everyday example. A man gives up alcohol. That alone can mean that he’s no longer part of his tribe at the local pub. 

He has set himself a standard that doesn’t fit in with the others. Strained relationships! The drinkers start to feel bad every time they buy another round of drinks, and their friend is the odd man out.

Our own self-behaviour sets the standard – invites, permits, the same from others. So let’s make it as positive as we can. Why not? If we do, then good things happen:

Self-respect leads to receiving respect from others;

Self-acceptance leads to receiving acceptance from others;

Self-esteem leads to receiving esteem from others;

Self-love leads to receiving love from others;

Self-belief leads to receiving belief from others.

In a nutshell: treat yourself positively, and others will raise their game, and try their best to return their own version of positivity.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

What’s your own experience? Perhaps you’d care to leave a comment below. Thank you.

Why is happiness so difficult to pin down?  Let’s see what our quote suggests:

It states: happiness is not in external things (circumstances), but rather is a quality within the human being. Happiness flows from within us, not from things out there. 

Some people still think money can buy happiness. Money buys things, stuff, physical objects, experiences. They can give pleasure. The problem: it’s often superficial. It doesn’t last. Deep down in the heart and soul there is still a longing for something real and lasting. 

Here’s one reason why.

The person with all these new “toys”, these new “circumstances”, is still exactly the same person as before. If I am an angry, grumpy, selfish person, then a bigger house won’t suddenly make me peaceful, joyful and altruistic.

Perhaps that’s why we have life coaches, gurus, religious ministers. They focus on “personal growth.” Feeling happy starts with our self-belief. Are we comfortable in our own skin? What kind of a person am I?

Happiness flows from an internal integrity, a wholeness of spirit. Integrity simply means that we live by beliefs and values that are loving and truthful.

The quote is exact: happiness isn’t something we see. Happiness is something we are. It’s a quality of mind, heart and soul. Love is the key here. “It is in giving that we receive.” 

When we give love, and help others in their needs, then we feel happy inside. I don’t mean that arrogant feeling of “look at me, what a great person I am.” Such arrogance only comes from an immature, selfish person, shallow and unloving. 

Genuine giving is loving, peaceful, humble and happy. Yes, J.B.Sheerin’s quote has it exactly right:

Happiness is not from what we HAVE, nor from things that we SEE, but rather is in what we ARE

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. Where are you at in the issue of happiness? Please let us know by leaving a comment. It will help others.

Here’s what I believe. You’re a good person, worthy of love and respect. You deserve it. You’re a child of God. You’re beautiful in mind, body and spirit. So, let me repeat: learn to believe in yourself; learn to love yourself; and learn to trust yourself. 

But why do we even need to say this at all? Negative conditioning, ever since the day you were born!

Parents, teachers, siblings, authority figures of every kind. They feel obliged to point out the child’s weaknesses, failures, and even naughtyness. The child confuses its bad behaviour with being a bad person. 

The truth? Bad behaviour, yes; but good person – always. A religious saying I like is this: “Hate the sin, but love the sinner.” That clear distinction throws light on the whole issue. The person may behave badly from time to time; that doesn’t destroy their essential goodness.

Perhaps that’s why Dr Spock, in this quote, tries to encourage people to trust themselves.

It’s as if he’s saying to them: 

“Look, don’t believe all that negative stuff you’ve heard about yourself. 

You’re not stupid. 

You’re an intelligent, good person, and you know far more than other people think. 

You don’t think you know very much, because you feel no-one ever listened to you, 

and that made you believe you’d nothing to say.”

Maybe you’re still carrying that early burden, deep in your mind: “I’m nobody really. Why should anyone listen to me? I’ve nothing much to offer.”

It’s just a horrible lie! And, deep down, even you know it’s just a lie. Reject this lie, and live your own truth. Trust your own mind. Trust your own heart. Trust your own spirit. God doesn’t make any rubbish, and you’re certainly not rubbish.

Look at the evidence. You haven’t gone through life without learning massively about all kinds of things. Not just information, but beliefs and values and social skills. 

You are far more than you give yourself credit for. Stop putting yourself down. Stop thinking you’re a stupid little nobody.

You were born to shine. You have much to offer. Many people out there need the help that only you can provide. As Dr Benjamin insists:

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. How much do you trust yourself? Any issues? If you like, please let us know by leaving a comment.

Do you feel you have much more to offer? Do you feel that life is passing you by? Do you want to do more in your life, live life to the full?

What would you say if you were told you’re not just the product of circumstance? That you do have a choice, that those choices have helped make you who you are, and what you have done up to now.

Are you thinking,

“What me, you must be joking? If I had a choice it would be quite different” 

Put away those pitiful, power-leaching thoughts; because you do have a choice to be the person you want to be. You are what you make yourself.

You could be . . . the person you want to be.

You know that the person, deep down inside of you, knows this is true. That part of you that knows who you could be, who you want to be, who you’re meant to be.

Each one of us is the sum of what we alone have decided, or allowed ourselves to be. Once we reach adulthood, we have the opportunity to choose the kind of life we want, the type of person we want to be. Who we want to spend time with, surround ourselves with.

We make daily choices about hundreds of actions, and decisions we make. We alone decide what type of food we enjoy, what music we like, colours we prefer, who we spend our leisure time with.

You alone have the freedom to change who you are, and what you do, every single day.

“Well, Susan, I didn’t choose my life, my parents. my circumstances. So how can you say it’s my choice?”

I agree, we had very little choice as a child. As adults, we’re often already bound on paths we don’t want. But don’t let that stop you from choosing what you want to do, or be, or changing your course. Let go of that past mindset, those beliefs, excuses and boundaries you may have set up for yourself, or feel tied into.

The chains, of limiting thoughts, that had hold you a prisoner of perceived circumstance and choice. I know it’s not easy to admit. I often felt I had no choice, but I did; maybe not the choices I would have preferred, but I still had them. Once this was revealed to me, I realised I had real power; I was no longer a victim to lame limitations.

We cannot change what life throws at us, or what other people do, or say. However, we can change how we act, think and feel about our own life.

We can decide how we will live our own lives, and what we can make of ourselves.

I want to share with you 7 good reasons why you have the power to be the authentic you.

1. Only you have the right gifts to live your life.  You’re unique; you must develop those gifts, for they give your life meaning. Hone your gifts, every single day, so that they can be used to help others; this is how you can make a difference.
2. Only you can build your confidence and self-respect. Don’t search for these from other people; you must find these yourself. You can earn confidence and self-respect by trusting yourself to do what you set out to do. By learning to have faith in yourself. By believing you are of value.
3. Only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Not your parents, not your loved-ones, not your teachers, not your peers. Your thoughts and actions are your job, your responsibility.
4. Only you have the power to motivate yourself, to dig deep and discover the reason (whatever it is) you need to focus on, to keep going when life’s hard.
5. Only you can do the work, or take the steps that you need to take, towards your dream.
6. Only you can make or break you. Nobody else has the power to control your mind, unless you allow them to.
7. Only you have the right to decide what you want to do in life. This is your freedom: it’s why you have free will. Never enslave yourself to someone else’s will. Don’t live someone else’s agenda. Decide for yourself.

You know, deep down inside your heart, what’s right for you. You deserve to be the person you want to be. You can decide today – right now – to build the right life for you.  It’s never too late to change your course. While you’re still alive and breathing, you still have time to go for your dreams.

You have 7 good reasons why I think you can be the person you want to be. I ask you to think about them. Look for your own reasons, and add to them every day.

Continue to strive doggedly to be the person you want to be. Never give up on yourself. You are here for a purpose. That purpose is to live your life to the full, to bring love, joy, peace and happiness to those around you.

In doing so, you will fulfill your life, and the life of others. That is the person you are meant to be, the person you are deep in your heart.

Be that person and live your life to the full.

Susan J McCann

@susanjmccann

PS I’d love to hear what motivates you. Please feel free to share this post.

What I mean is you tell yourself that you’re going to do something. Then, as they say, “life happens.” Guess what? You never actually got round to doing it.

Can you honestly say that you always trust yourself to do what you say?

But, why wouldn’t you trust yourself?

Because, very often, you don’t always do what you say you’ll do. You decide to do something. Yet, somehow, for some reason it never happens.

Is there anything you can do about it? Could you find that IRON STRING that Emerson talks about?

Yes, of course you can. A simple remedy is to find out what went wrong, and why. Pause, and ask yourself:

1. Did I think it through enough? Or maybe it was a spur of the moment thing.
2. Did I really mean what I said? Or maybe it was more wishful thinking.
3. How important was it for you? Or maybe you’ve not taken it seriously enough.
4. What stopped you? Or maybe it just . . . sort of . . . got pushed out.
5. Is it still a good idea? Think about it again. Ask yourself “do I still really want it?
6. If I do still want it, then when will I actually get round to doing it?
7. Then, simply renew your promise to yourself, and then . . . do it!

By asking yourself these questions, you’ll gradually learn to trust yourself more. Why? Because you won’t be so quick to decide to do something, and then let it slide away from you.

You’ll take the promises, you make to yourself, a bit more to heart.

Bit by bit you’ll learn to say “when I say I’m going to do something, I really mean it. It will happen!”

You’ll be amazed how good that makes you feel. Try it and see.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

P.S. There’s a bonus too. Others might believe and trust you a bit more. How good is that? Awesome!

P.P.S. Maybe you’d like to share this little quote with a friend. Feel free to leave a comment.  I’d love to hear from you. Thanks.

Destroyed by other people and their reactions

Worst of all, very often destroyed by the last person you’d ever imagine: your friend!

How do they do this? Because they tell you “You can’t do that!”  Such an attack can begin to sow doubt, hesitation and uncertainty in your mind. You may even give up on your ambitions, your dreams altogether.

But who would dare to say “You can’t do that!”  to you? And why?

It could be any person close to you: family member, friend, acquaintance, loved-one.

“You can’t do it!” But why such a massive put-down?

“You’ll never make it! ” Why do they destroy your bold ambitions? Try so hard to stop you? Torpedo your passions your dreams.

How do your friends, with the best will in the world, make themselves your greatest enemies?

Simple. All those negative put downs! They insist, and keep on insisting: “You CAN’T!

So, again, why would they do that? I believe one clear reason is their misguided love, concern, and fears for you. The very last thing they want is to see you hurt.

Friends and family are usually loving, wanting the very best for your life. But their advice isn’t always right for you.

They wouldn’t see themselves as your enemies at all, they are convinced they’re not simply being negative. They passionately believe they are helping you to avoid a great mistake.

It’s their way of protecting you from the painful danger, disappointment and disaster they imagine.

Yes, of course. They really do love you. Yet that very beautiful attitude has klled a million dreams! 

What to do?

Listen, but then you decide.

Listen to what they say, Think about it dispassionately. Love them back, thank them from the depths of your heart for their loving concern.

But . . . but . . .

But never, ever let them destroy your dreams. Follow your head, but also your heart and your gut feelings and instincts.

Never say “I can’t” until you’ve given it everything. Your genuine dream deserves your best shot.

After all, it’s your life at stake, not theirs!

Blessings, Love and Peace to you and yours

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk

PS  If you like this quote please feel free to share it

Hundreds of people are standing in their bare feet. We’re in Cardiff, Wales, UK. It’s evening, and dark. The year: 1999. We’re lined up in many rows. Facing us: rows of brightly shining coals of fire. These glowing, growling rows are perhaps 20 yards long.

The occasion? I’m lined up to experience the famous Tony Robbins “Fire Walk.” It’s Friday, the first evening of his awesome personal development seminar.

I reach the front of the line. Deep breath, shoulders back, look straight ahead, walk at a steady pace. Don’t try to run. Off we go, one after the other. I’m really scared, but I summon up all my courage and step into the unknown. I believe I can do this.

At the end of the row, I fall into the arms of a helper. He checks my feet, water at the ready. He makes sure there are no fragments of hot coal trapped between my toes. Relief. I’m OK.

I breath again. Wow! A once-in-a-lifetime experience. I can hardly believe it. My feet aren’t burned. It doesn’t hurt. I can’t really understand why. Maybe because I didn’t pause, and give the fire time to burn me.

(By the way, please do not try this at home!  Our fire walk was professionally managed for safety. I do not in any way recommend you to experiment with fire)

We learned a lot

What was the point of all this? Give us a thrill? Teach us something? Experience a new challenge?

It was a master class in showing us how to overcome limiting beliefs.

If we can overcome a seemingly impossible physical challenge, then how much more power is inside us to overcome doubts and fears in the mind?

Countless books have been written on the power of thinking. Many personal development classics drive home this simple lesson: it’s our thoughts and beliefs that determine our life.

What’s your take on this?

You deserve to be great

Fears and doubts haunt us all, don’t they? To what extent can your belief fill you with power, and compel you to fulfill your deepest desires? Overcome your terrifying fears?

What are some important things in your life? Things you’d like to do, goals you’d like to achieve. What haven’t you done yet? What should you do that you haven’t. Deep down, you know.

Maybe you’re afraid. But fear is just a thought, a belief in your mind. Why treat it like burning coals? If we can walk on fire, then surely we can tackle limiting beliefs. They’re just in your mind. And that’s good news. Why?

You control your own mind. You can change your mind. You have the power of choice. You’re “Master of your Fate, Captain of your Ship.”

Remember: life moves on, relentlessly. Don’t die with your music still inside. No regrets. At the very least give it a try. If you fail, so what? At the very least you had a go. On the other hand, you might just surprise yourself and achieve your own greatness.

No regrets. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe it was, and you just need to persevere and keep on trying. “If at first you don’t succeed . . .”

Near journey’s end

I’ll be 80 this year. I’ve been through all this a thousand times. I’m still trying. Still moving. Haven’t given up.

I look back on my long life; I’m very happy to know that I went for it. Yes, I know. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs. Challenges and problems. Success and Failure. I just got back on my feet. I soldiered on. I overcame whatever was thrown at me. I won through.

I succeeded because I never gave up on life.

What will you feel when you’re 80?

Make sure you feel that you pushed on and had a go. Often “success” is not important. What is important is to try your best, “win” or “lose” in the opinion of others.

You write your own epitaph.

“You did it your way.”

Gerry McCann The Merry Monk

@themerry_monk

Mindful Minutes with the Merry Monk

8:Self Belief is the Key to Success

Thanks for listening. Let’s all continue to help make this world a better place.

Gerry McCann

The Merry Monk

Nobody at all, with an ounce of common sense, is going to believe, trust or invest time, money, and effort in a loser. Make no mistake.

If you have little or no self-belief then – rightly or wrongly – you will be perceived, and treated, as a loser. No-one, unless they’re stupid, bets on a known loser. Ask any venture capitalist.

Successful investors always look for passionate, hardworking people who have enough self-belief to set out, and forge ahead on their own. Brave people, who risk their time and money in providing a new product or service for the benefit of others. It’s a ‘no-brainer’ – self-belief is an essential quality of spirit for entrepreneurs.

It’s also a quality, in fact, that we all need. A quality that’s truly needed, always and in everything: business, relationships, life, love, the lot. Without self-belief, we’ll sabotage our ability to work successfully with others. But that’s not all: we will also self-sabotage.

Your Self-belief is the Key to Your Success

“Anyone can do it”

If you lack self-belief, all your ambitions, aspirations and dreams will collapse. They’ll dissolve, and vanish . . . in a sea of doubt. Self-belief is absolutely crucial. Why?

Without essential self-belief, you won’t follow through. On anything.  A business mentor’s hardest job is to convince clients they can be successful. “Anyone can do it,” they suggest.

Yet we rebel at the thought. We build walls to defend our mediocrity. We cling relentlessly to the lie:

“I can’t do it; I’m a nobody.”

Often our negative conditioning in life has convinced us of this debilitating illusion.

You know you have the power – yet you just don’t believe it. Everything happens in strict accordance with how much we believe. Believe you can, and you can. Believe you can’t, and you can’t.

Your Self-belief is the Key to Your Success

Your special talents

The first step in achieving greater self-belief?

Recognize your own personal value and dignity. Deep down you know you have the unique gifts and talents you need.

You find that hard to believe?

You just need to think, for a moment, of all the many successful entrepreneurs, who perhaps have far fewer talents and gifts, in their niche, than you have in yours. Tell yourself the good news,

“If they can do it, then so could I. What’s stopping me?”

The reason they’re successful is that they went for it, they believed they could.

So? Forget the lies you’ve heard all your life, telling you

“Who do you think you are?”

” What do you know about running a business”?

“You’ll never make it!”

The power of self-belief is within us all, and at our command. We just need to discover it, believe it, and then use it.

Just remember that self-belief is not all or nothing: something we either have or don’t have, like a physical object. Self-belief and self-doubt are qualities of mind and spirit, rather than anything material. Therefore it’s a question of the degree, or level – how much or how little – we have of that quality.

A down-to-earth quality of mind

So, how much self-belief do you have? As with most things in life, the ideal outcome is a balance between the extremes. Neither “I can achieve absolutely anything” nor “I am quite useless, and can’t do anything worthwhile.”

We seek the golden middle way. Neither unrealistic optimism, nor a pathetic learned helplessness. A balanced middle view is the ideal; that would actually be more optimistic than most of us imagine.

So, what’s needed?

Realistic, down-to-earth, solidly grounded optimism! That’s a crucial factor that separates the high achievers from those who settle for mediocrity.

High achievers are so optimistic because they believe that with hard work, determination, perseverance, and creativity, huge success is possible. They’ve proved it, over and over again.

Even when things don’t work out, they remain optimistic. We all know stories of world-famous entrepreneurs who’ve failed more times than they’ve succeeded. But they persevered. They never gave up. They just learned another lesson, dug their heels in, and dived right in again.

Your Self-belief is the Key to Your Success

Most successful entrepreneurs really are ordinary people, much the same as you and me. They only difference is they had the belief, optimism and courage to simply go for it; and then persevere.

They know, better than most, that we all have massive abilities, which often go unrecognized. Such abilities can even be improved. We can all learn a wide range of skills, and so create a greatly enhanced and enriching life-style.

You need to find that belief and courage. You can then fashion a much better life for yourself and your loved-ones.

So . . . how? How do you find this self-belief and courage?

Success notebook

The first place to look is your past triumphs, your own track record. Trust your own experience. It gives you solid, concrete evidence that you can succeed in many things.

I am convinced it’s a brilliant idea to make a list of your greatest achievements up to date. So motivational! Buy a huge notebook, and use it just for this purpose. That list will be your very own self-belief manual.

Even better, add photos and gather physical evidence of past glories. For example dig out certificates, medals, prizes, rewards you’ve earned in the past – a veritable golden treasure chest of memories.

That was YOU, not anyone else.

Think too about the countless ordinary, everyday things you’ve learned and now take for granted. Everything you needed to learn and achieve to grow up into a well-rounded, and competent adult.

Again, that was YOU, not anyone else.

What an inspiring exercise, because that winner you’re looking at is a younger you. You’re still the same person, with even more experience. Why doubt now when you’ve already proved you can do it?

The next step is to add to this list regularly, as you recall other past successes. Look at these successes frequently. This will help continue building your confidence and self-belief.

Another powerful step: begin to jot down new and up-to-date successes. Increasingly, you will be looking forward to future successes and further entries in your self-belief manual, your “success journal,” as some call it.

Whenever you doubt, latch on to those powerful memories. Clear proof that you already succeeded in so many challenges. When you’re afraid and doubt yourself, remember the great things you’ve already achieved.

Maybe you disagree. You may be thinking,

“I’ve never really done anything great. It couldn’t work for me!”

I’m not talking about extraordinary things, like winning Olympic gold. You’ve a ton of experience and learning in everyday things we take for granted.

A toddler programmed to be a winner

Learn from yourself as a toddler. Let’s focus on one simple example. You learned to walk. Remember how?

It was a relentless, in-built drive. You never gave up. Day in, day out, you tried. Day in, day out, you made imperceptible progress. Day in, day out, you kept falling over. However, you just kept on getting back up again. It never entered you’re little mind to think,

“That’s it! I’ve had it! I’ve tried over and over. It’s not working. I’ll never be able to walk. Might as well settle for crawling!”

Think of what you did then, how you simply refused to surrender. I’m still talking about YOU, not some famous person. You too have succeeded in so many things. Use your imagination.

See yourself again in that situation. Feel again how you felt then. Picture it in detail in your own mind. Bring that power and feeling back into the now. It felt so good, didn’t it?

You were able to summon up your self-belief, and you succeeded. You proved you could do it, and you can do it again and again. Always focus on your successes.

What about all my failures?

Don’t worry about the past failures. They don’t mean you yourself are a failure, as a person. Keep it simple.

So-called “failure” is nothing more than a result of some action. You tried something, and it didn’t work out. No big deal. Just learn a better way. Rejoice in this positive “learning from your mistakes.”

Let me repeat: focus on your successes. You’re building your self-belief, not putting yourself down; no point in filling your mind with the times when things didn’t quite work out.

Use your success diary to note and remember all your successes. Keep adding to it, you’ll soon see that you have a lot more to inspire you.

Your Self-belief is the Key to Your Success

Lastly, one final and extremely important point: create a little team of positive people around you. As a group, you will supercharge the self-belief of each other. You will feed off each other’s energy, belief and wisdom.

Self-belief will go through the roof.

Your success is there for the taking. You deserve it. You know you deserve it. Take it. It’s yours.

Gerry McCann

@themerry_monk